autobiographical

On anniversaries and influential women

When I speak of influential women here, I am speaking of the intensely personal influence. The influence of my mother and grandmother in my life. Both my mother and my paternal grandmother passed away on the third of August. My mother died 7 years ago and my grandma 25 years ago.

I don’t remember much about my grandma, but what I do remember is that she was kind. Not that she acted kind, but that she was fiercely kind and I remember how she was gentle, and I only remember one sleepover with her and my pops, and how as a curious child I insensitively and with the curiosity of a child I asked my WWII veteran grandfather about his experiences in the war, she gently turned the conversation away. I recently learnt that pops suffered from the invisible wound of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in addition to his scars from being injured by a “friendly” landmine (pieces of shrapnel that were pulled from his shoulder were on top of my grandma’s piano).

It was at this same piano that she patiently taught my sister and I some notes. My sister continued to play for a few years after my maternal grandmother also passed away. What I remember most about sitting at the piano, apart from the love, was some snippets of the stories that accompanied the tunes. I don’t remember many of them, but I remember how when she played us “In the Mood” she recounted that it was a favourite in the clubs that she played at during WWII. (As an adult I look back and think that it’s pretty cool to have had a grandma who was a nightclub pianist during WWII). I also know that it was during this period that she met pops. I seem to recall the story being that she was his nurse, which is so romantic that it is almost cliché, but I have no idea whether it is true or not.

And while I don’t have as many memories as I would like, nor did I ever have an adult conversation with her, I have no doubt that the kindness and tact that she lived every day, strongly influenced my father and probably influenced his attraction to my mother.

An image of parents of the groom ,Graham Booth, Joyce and Albert Booth, flanking Kathleen and Graham Booth on their wedding day. — My parents, Kathleen and Graham Booth, with my paternal grandparents, Joyce and Albert Booth on their wedding day. (Note that my mom is not wearing a white wedding dress!)

My mother and I didn’t have the easiest relationship, for all sorts of reasons. Some of these reasons I know and choose to share, other reasons I know and choose to keep close to me and yet more are unknown to me.

And yet, the more I learn and age and gain perspective, the more I see her influence. My mom was a bit of a rebel, but not in the ways that you would think. As the eldest daughter it took an act of courage and rebellion to choose not to wear the wedding dress that her mother and grandmother before her had worn when they got married. My mother also did a lot of things behind the scenes, and instead of choosing to be become bitter when she was exploited or mistreated, refused to give away her power and kept her optimism and view of looking at the world. As I grow older the more I realise how much courage it takes to live optimistically and kindly, especially when people misjudge that kindness and see it as something to be exploited.

Another way that my mother was influential towards me was by showing me the magic of books, and sharing her love of history and context with us. I believe that her love of history was something she shared with my dad, he too was a history geek. My mom was also a bit of an English geek, something that unconsciously has become part of me. And despite our difficulties she also mentored my public speaking and debating. (I suspect that she was the anonymous sponsor for a junior debate team in my high school the first year that it happened.

I definitely got my love of museums from her, my friends know that I am not a good person to go to museums with if you want to have a quick trip. I want to suck every ounce of information possible out of my visits, and go back for more. When we had our adventure in Costa Rica and traveled through Washington D.C my mom mentioned that she was jealous about the fact that I had the opportunity to experience the Smithsonian. On my trip through Washington after spending some time on the Mall, I deliberately went to the Smithsonian (specifically the Museum of American History) as my first museum.

As time goes by and perspective changes and contexts become clearer I see and appreciate influence differently, I see more and more of these women in me, and I am glad of it.

Love and anniversaries,
Trisha

Being a woman in tech

Hello blog,

This is a difficult blog to write and I am not sure where to categorize it. I will probably file it under development, which is where it belongs but it touches on a lot of things.

I am the daughter of a developer and women in tech were a part of my life, where my father spoke of his female colleagues in the same way as he spoke of his male colleagues and work social gatherings included both men and women. So for me, women in tech were not unicorns, and as they were spoken of as being equally competent as men. The first time that I encountered hostility in tech was in a forum and in all honestly it shocked me to the core. Also, being me, it pissed me off, but I dismissed it as being an isolated incident and not a reflection of the general tech community.

For the most part I kept on with tech in the background and I did not pay attention to what was going on in the tech community. In 2015 I went to my first tech meetup hosted by WordPress Joburg. I felt safe and welcome, especially when I made a comment that my ability to attend a meetup on weeknight would depend on getting a baby-sitter for my son and was met with the response of “Bring him with”. I have been an active member of the WordPress Joburg Community ever since and now am one of the co-organizers.

<sidenote> Of course being a woman comes with a level of being aware of background misogyny, both the unintentional systematic misogyny that permeates the world and the deliberate and malicious misogyny that forms part of the day-to-day world. In this regard I have a few advantages, being a white woman from a middle class family who studied law and was warned by my principal in the first few days of my articles about the inherent misogyny of the legal profession and given some tips to ignore it, combined with a low-level of neuroatypicality meant that I generally was able to ignore the effects of misogyny until my thirties.</sidenote>

My first in-person encounter with misogyny in the tech world happened in 2016, where I was made to feel like a completely unreasonable, trouble-making bitch for daring to be anything other than a sycophant when I spoke up at a meetup. In a not atypical reaction I did ask a fellow attendee privately whether I was being oversensitive or whether there was genuine hostility, they too had perceived hostility.

It is against this background that I read the New York Times’s 2014 article “Technology’s Man Problem”. I have some specific thoughts and comments:

Women who enter fields dominated by men often feel this way. They love the work and want to fit in. But then something happens — a slight or a major offense — and they suddenly feel like outsiders.

I never felt explicitly unwelcome in the tech community until the incident I described above, and that incident along with a collection of other comments and interaction made me consider walking away from the tech community 🙁

A culprit, many people in the field say, is a sexist, alpha-male culture that can make women and other people who don’t fit the mold feel unwelcome, demeaned or even endangered.

“It’s a thousand tiny paper cuts,” is how Ashe Dryden, a programmer who now consults on increasing diversity in technology, described working in tech.

A thousand tiny paper cuts is an excellent description and if you raise these incidents in isolation you look like you are blowing things out of proportion and if you try to create context by speaking of them in a larger picture you are accused of holding grudges and being hysterical and generally being unreasonable.

“We see these stories, ‘Why aren’t there more women in computer science and engineering?’ and there’s all these complicated answers like, ‘School advisers don’t have them take math and physics,’ and it’s probably true,” said Lauren Weinstein, a man who has spent his four-decade career in tech working mostly with other men, and is currently a consultant for Google.

“But I think there’s probably a simpler reason,” he said, “which is these guys are just jerks, and women know it.”

The choice for people who are uncomfortable with the “bro” culture is to try to change it or to leave — and even women who are fed up don’t always agree on how to go about making a change.

Firstly, yes #notallmen are jerks.
Secondly, I think that we should admit that there is unlikely to be one true way to make the change and should not overly stress about finding a homogeneous solution and be willing to support efforts to effect change even if they are not done the same way as we personally would have implemented them.

Writing code is a high-pressure job with little room for error, as are many jobs. But coding can be stressful in a different way, women interviewed for this article said, because code reviews — peer reviews to spot mistakes in software — can quickly devolve.

“Code reviews are brutal — ‘Mine is better than yours, I see flaws in yours’ — and they should be, for the creation of good software,” said Ellen Ullman, a software engineer and author. “I think when you add a drop of women into it, it just exacerbates the problem, because here’s a kind of foreigner.”

“I’m in no way saying that women can’t take a tough code review,” she added. “I’m saying that no one should have to take one in a boy-puerile atmosphere.”

As I have not worked in an environment with formal code-reviews, I cannot comment. But on anecdotal evidence and based on conversations with both men and women in tech my thoughts on this are:
1. Initially getting used to code reviews is tough. Learning to take any kind of constructive criticism is a skill, and considering that coding is an act of intellectual labour that is often accompanied by strong emotions, it is natural for coders to feel sensitive about feedback.
2. The biggest challenge in any code review is ego and preconceived notions.
3. Some men are intensely threatened by women and resent any feedback them. And I have heard guys say that they are much harsher in their reviews then some of their female colleagues and get far less grief about it.
4. People need to reframe code reviews from being threatening and personal attacks to being a form of mentorship and improvement. (Honestly, has any code not looked at some of their past code and gone “What! Why did I do it this way. I am much better now”

But the debate isn’t over. In fact, Ms. Shevinsky now finds herself in another argument. This time, however, she’s on the defensive with other women.

A prominent feminist in tech told her that she was doing a disservice to women by accepting Mr. Dickinson’s apology and working with him again. The conversation, Ms. Shevinsky said, was “hateful.”

Ms. Shevinsky says that she judges Mr. Dickinson “on his actions, how he is with other people in the company and with me,” and said that there was no contradiction in both working with Mr. Dickinson and supporting feminism in tech.

By virtue of being human people are going to make mistakes and be insensitive and possibly, unintentionally misogynistic. I believe that we should allow people to move on from their mistakes. As I stated above I also believe that we should allow women to have their own agency and allow for a diversity of approaches to women in tech.

Lea Verou, an incoming Ph.D. candidate in electrical engineering and computer science at M.I.T., wrote in a much read essay that women-only conferences and hackathons “cultivate the notion that women are these weak beings who find their male colleagues too intimidating.”

“As a woman,” she wrote, “I find it insulting and patronizing to be viewed that way.”

I strongly disagree with this view, and find that these environments allow for a different form of collaboration and openness, and to find it to be an environment that counters systematic, unconscious misogyny as well as outright hostility.

Love and (lots of) thoughts about being a woman in tech,
Trisha

Life Changing News

Hello blog,

Life has been busy lately and so I just haven’t had time to blog, especially since my immune system has been misbehaving.Last week we were dealt a massive blow. Riaan has been diagnosed with young onset Parkinson’s disease. Understandably, people have some questions so here are some answers:

Q: How did this diagnosis come about?
A: Riaan has a history of repetitive strain injury, which is par for the course as a software engineer. And what we thought was his RSI was interfering with his quality of life, so I nagged him to go to our GP. She did x-rays but couldn’t see any thing obvious so she referred him to an orthopedic surgeon. The orthopedic surgeon referred Riaan to a neurosurgeon who then referred Riaan to the neurologist who made a preliminary differential diagnosis of a brain tumor or a stroke or Parkinson’s. And required an MRI and extended blood and urine tests in order to make the diagnosis of atypical young onset Parkinson’s Disease.

Q: What’s the prognosis?
A: Because of this being atypical Parkinson’s disorder the neurologist has no idea of progression and whether it will get worse.

Q: What is the next step in this process?
A: Getting in with a neurologist who specializes in movement disorders including Parkinson’s. Two specialists have been recommended to us and we are in the process of getting appointments.

Q: Is there a family history?
A:No.

Q: How does this affect our plans for the future?
A: The most significant change is that we are unlikely to be successful in our application to move to Australia because Parkinson’s is a degenerative condition. So for now, we are not moving countries. Career wise we will take it as it comes but we are slowly going to shift to my career and income becoming more important.

***

So we are now adjusting to a new reality, taking it one step and one day at a time.

Love and life altering news,
Trisha

Untitled?

Sometimes, there is no reason for life to be difficult. But it is. And so you just keep on going. Keep breathing. Keep swimming. Keep on keeping on. Put one foot in front of the other. Acknowledge that it is difficult. That there is no apparent reason for your brain to be fighting with you. But know that you can keep fighting. And that sometimes to win the war you need to make tactical retreats from the battles. To keep doing the small things. To acknowledge that you are worthy regardless. To not engage with your brain’s willful stupidity.

Chris Hadfield, the astronaut, tweeted the link to a video clip this week about people and scientific ignorance. The people who have looked at the facts, and ignored them and decided to believe something patently false. That you don’t owe them an argument. That just because they are talking doesn’t mean that you need to listen.

This week has been interesting. The country is in an official mourning period for the loss of Winnie Madikizele Mandela, which ends tomorrow. The DA, the official opposition party, of whom I am a reluctant constituent, believing that a strong opposition is essential to a healthy democracy which we are trying to achieve, are making it really difficult to support them. They called out Patricia De Lille for speaking at a memorial in Brandfort, where Winnie spent years in exile, the DA is arguing that they are calling her out because the memorial was organized by another opposition party the EFF, but it is really difficult to see their complaints as being anything other than misogynistic and racist. Patricia De Lille, is our version of Elizabeth Warren and they should be pictured alongside in the dictionary for the definition of Nevertheless, She Persisted.

I am just going to be brave and publish this ramble, even though I don’t think that it is worthy. I am just going to be hit publish, and trust that I will not crash the space shuttle or end the world.

Love and more ramblings,
Trisha

Snippets that I don’t want to throw away

Hello Blog,

This is a snippet that has been living in my drafts folder since January and I don’t want to throw it away. It does not have a clear beginning and conclusion. But I think that the snippet has enough worth to stand on its own:

Terry Pratchett once wrote that it is the dream that we can go back and tell our younger selves what we know now and then act with the knowledge and wisdom that we have acquired. Being, Terry Pratchett, he of course takes it a step further and reminds us that who we are then bares very little resemblance to who we are when we are older, because you then are in fact a tit, who needs all of the stuff ahead of you to happen to you in order to become who you are in the present.

One of my friends relayed a parenting theory to me that in the three weeks before and after a child’s birthday they are more emotionally charged than usual. And, when we discussed it made sense to me, and it reminded me that as much as I don’t make a huge fuss about birthdays (although that is changing, and I am seeing them as a reason to celebrate existence simply because we exist) I do tend to go through a little bit of a stock-taking exercise each year around them. (I definitely did stock taking before entering in my thirties, and I am pleased to say that I find my thirties to be the most enjoyable decade yet, the one where I am happier with who I am, and more confident in being my true self, rather than the self that I think the world would like more, and discovering that the world likes me plenty enough as I am, and those who don’t, don’t. And it is okay that not everyone likes me. )

Love and incomplete posts,
Trisha

Women who have shaped me

Hello Blog,

Over the past little while I have spent a bit of time reflecting of what has gone into the cauldron that has shaped me. Specifically, the women who are not necessarily close to me, who don’t know me, but who have shaped my views*. Last week Saturday I went to an evening function and needed to choose an outfit. One of the outfit’s that I tried on, was a form fitting beaded black dress, and while I was looking at my reflection and tucking in my tummy, the thought crossed my mind: “Venus de Milo, didn’t tuck in her tummy, and I don’t’ have to”. This thought allowed me to shift my mindset and acknowledge that the dress was very pretty. (I chose to wear slacks and a different pretty blouse, but I did not feel ugly or fat when I was wearing the beaded dress). I credit my shift in mindset of becoming a kinder, more gentle person to myself to a number of woman who I don’t have a reciprocal relationship* with but who have collectively broken through a societal narrative that beauty falls within a very narrow ambit.

The women and the messages that I have specifically, been thinking of are (in no particular order):

Amanda Palmer, from whom I have taken the message to live authentically as myself, knowing that not everyone is going to like you but that you will still be safe in your tribe. (I think the words of the Ukulele Anthem are words to live by)
Marian Call, on embracing my geekiness, and whose song “I’ll Still Be A Geek After Nobody Thinks It’s Chic” often pull me back to myself
Kim Boekbinder, who has in little ways reminded me to believe in myself. She is not a hugely famous rockstar, (yet), but a fiercely independent soul whose art (both music and words) has helped me heal myself in ways that I cannot quite describe, nor know that I needed to be healed.
Samantha Smith, on embracing my “inner bitch”, and not being afraid to be assertive when I need to be. This was the most recent piece of the puzzle for me, and I have become a much happier person, for not believing that I need to be nice the whole time. (I was lucky enough to meet her when I went to a Supernatural Convention in San Francisco last December and she was an amazing person).
Karen Walrond, who inspired me to look for the light when I was experiencing a major depressive episode and whose insights I collect and they pop out of my head at the most opportune moments.
Jennifer Lawson, the Bloggess, who lives openly with an autoimmune disease and some mental health issues, and probably helped me handle last year’s brush with Hashimoto’s better than I would otherwise have, and who gifted the world and me with the mantra #depressionlies.

These are some of the woman who have helped me become who I am, and who I am incredibly grateful to.

Love and reflections,
Trisha

*There is an entirely different collection of people who do know me and who have also put a lot of ingredients into the cauldron of who I am, but this post is not about them…it is about the people who I don’t have a two-sided relationship with.