Mental Health

Some thoughts about society and transgender issues

Hello blog,

First off, I am not transgender and so I cannot speak from that perspective. Secondly, I recognise that this is an emotional topic and I apologise for any errors that I make. I have no intention of hurting any person, so please, if I get something wrong and you feel comfortable, drop me a comment or a message (trishacornelius at gmail dot com) and I will do my best to rectify it, and now onwards.

On names and gendering: I strongly believe that it is a person’s right to be called by a name of their choosing and whatever pronouns make them feel comfortable. I acknowledge that some people are uncomfortable with adapting to additional pronouns in the English language. But, part of the beauty of language is that it evolves. And people’s feelings of love and belonging and acceptance are for more important than the temporary discomfort of adapting to some new words, like ze or e, or the unfamiliar use of they, their or them. Stephen Fry makes this argument far more eloquently I can, so over to you, Mr Fry

On living as a trans person: It is an act of courage to live in a way that is true to who you are. Brene Brown talks eloquently about this in her book, Daring Greatly. It takes extra courage to live in a way that is true to yourself when large parts of the world are actively hostile towards you and dangerous for you.

Some of these thoughts have been blundering around my mind for a bit, and when I watched a YouTube clip that features one of my doctor’s, I decided that it was time to write. The clip is mostly in Afrikaans, and if you don’t understand it, and want to know what was said, leave a comment and I will translate:

There are a few things that I believe are especially worthy of being highlighted from this clip:

As Dr Rudolph emphasizes, there is nothing mentally wrong with a trans person. Trans women are women who were born in a man’s body and trans men are men who are born in a woman’s body. The higher incidence of mental illness including depression, anxiety and suicidal tendencies are the result of how society treats trans people rather than anything inherently being wrong with a trans person.
The act of transitioning is a process of becoming who you are.
A person who discovers that they are transgender can benefit from psychotherapy, not because there is anything wrong with them but because support when going through a journey of self-awareness and discovery is generally beneficial. If the psychologist says that being trans is wrong, they are not the right psychologist.
I love these words that Bianca Minaar shares “Find your heart, be human again, love unconditionally”

I am glad that the world is changing and moving towards becoming more accepting. I hope that I will love to see the day when the idea of being hostile towards trans people is a thing of the past. But for now, to my trans friends, remember that I love you and I salute your bravery in living in a way that is true to yourself.

Love and acceptance,
Trisha

Untitled?

Sometimes, there is no reason for life to be difficult. But it is. And so you just keep on going. Keep breathing. Keep swimming. Keep on keeping on. Put one foot in front of the other. Acknowledge that it is difficult. That there is no apparent reason for your brain to be fighting with you. But know that you can keep fighting. And that sometimes to win the war you need to make tactical retreats from the battles. To keep doing the small things. To acknowledge that you are worthy regardless. To not engage with your brain’s willful stupidity.

Chris Hadfield, the astronaut, tweeted the link to a video clip this week about people and scientific ignorance. The people who have looked at the facts, and ignored them and decided to believe something patently false. That you don’t owe them an argument. That just because they are talking doesn’t mean that you need to listen.

This week has been interesting. The country is in an official mourning period for the loss of Winnie Madikizele Mandela, which ends tomorrow. The DA, the official opposition party, of whom I am a reluctant constituent, believing that a strong opposition is essential to a healthy democracy which we are trying to achieve, are making it really difficult to support them. They called out Patricia De Lille for speaking at a memorial in Brandfort, where Winnie spent years in exile, the DA is arguing that they are calling her out because the memorial was organized by another opposition party the EFF, but it is really difficult to see their complaints as being anything other than misogynistic and racist. Patricia De Lille, is our version of Elizabeth Warren and they should be pictured alongside in the dictionary for the definition of Nevertheless, She Persisted.

I am just going to be brave and publish this ramble, even though I don’t think that it is worthy. I am just going to be hit publish, and trust that I will not crash the space shuttle or end the world.

Love and more ramblings,
Trisha

Living with sick

Hello blog,

This has not been a great week. I had strep throat. I started feeling ill last week Friday night and so I decided to be responsible and stay home last Saturday instead of going to an anime day that I had been looking forward to for ages (I have been trying to get to these events for over a 18 months…one day I will get there and there will be much celebration).

The thing about me being sick is it scares me more than it used to. My brush with an auto-immune disease has made me much more wary about things, especially when I can’t shake things. Thankfully, I have a brilliant GP who is also very good about referring on to a specialist when she does not know what is wrong. Since these ear and throat infections have become peskily common and she has not detected an underlying cause it is off to the ENT tomorrow.

I am optimistic that the cause will be uncovered, because it is very frustrating for a throat infection to have a disproportionate impact on my life. I mean the odd TV series binge is fun, but it gets frustrating after a while to be following the doctor’s advice to rest and be lying in bed watching NCIS on Netflix instead of tackling big projects. Of course, the other thing that my brush with Hashimoto’s taught me was to listen to the doctor about taking it easy and so while I know this is the smart thing to do…it still is frustrating.

I think that this is a Forest Gump type ending: That’s all I have to say about that. (For now at any rate)

Love and hanging in here,
Trisha

Tactical retreat

Generally my anxiety and depression are quite well managed and under control. At the moment, specifically, my depression is misbehaving.

I don’t think that there are any particular triggers at the moment. I just know that it is hard. Part of me is telling myself to carry on regardless to just fight through. The wiser part of me knows that the best thing to do is pause, acknowledge that this particular battle is a difficult one. This part of me knows that there is no shame in taking a breather, giving myself space and cutting myself some slack. I will not lose my war, but I am going to retreat from battles that I cannot win. And that is a victory on its own.

Anxiety sucks #WCCT2017

Anxiety sucks. It sneaks up on you. It spirals out of control. It’s the one little thing in the morning that tries (and often succeeds) to eat up the rest of the day. It is the thing that causes you to believe that everyone cares about the insignificant things that you have messed up. It’s a bizarre dichotomy, simultaneously believing that no-one really cares about you and believing that they are picking apart every little thing that you have done and interpreted it in the worst possible way.

Anxiety is what strips away your ability to focus in a workshop that you have been looking forward to for weeks. It gives you a brain fog which it weaponizes to call you names like “Stupid” and “Fraud” and tells you that you don’t have any right to be sitting in a room among your peers.

Anxiety sucks. But it is not all powerful. Anxiety can be calmed by trusting the people who tell you that you are allowed to be where you are. That it’s okay not to know everything. That it’s okay to breathe. It can be calmed by being brave and trusting the community that has welcomed you.

Right now, I am sitting in “Sass to the reCSSue” at WordCamp Cape Town 2017 and I am not going to let anxiety win. My battle cry is pushing publish and giving myself the time to reset my day.

Some practical tips for helping someone who has lost a loved one

No one’s ever lost forever
When they die they go away
But they will visit you occasionally
Do not be afraid
No one’s ever lost forever
They are caught inside your heart
If you garden them and water them
They make you what you are
-Lost by Amanda Palmer and the Grand Theft Orchestra

Hello blog,

I know it has been a while. Life has been challenging, I faced major illness and I lost another loved one. This time a cousin. Last week one of our neighbour’s passed away as well. Having some experience with grief I thought I would share some dos and don’ts that can help someone with loss:

Firstly, be sensitive to the person’s feelings. It should not need to be said, but unfortunately it does, don’t ask excessive questions about the circumstances surrounding the loss. If the person wants to share details they will. This is especially important in the case of a violent death. Curiosity is a huge motivator of human behaviour but check yourself. Don’t ask for details..by doing so you are likely to add to the trauma that they are experiencing. However, if the loved one wants to reminisce let them. You can share memories or just listen to them.

Secondly, offer practical assistance. Death is upsetting, even if it comes after a long illness and carrying on with life can be a challenge. So, offer to help with the grocery shopping/ taking some food and general logistics. If you are willing and able: provide your phone number and answer your phone when they call. If you are not willing or able, then don’t say that they can call at any stage. Be realistic.

Thirdly, remember that grief doesn’t have an expiration date nor a fixed timeline. There is a bit of a societal expectation that after a certain period, one should simply get over the loss of a loved one. And in my experience, it doesn’t work that way. The memories of a loved one are a part of who you are, and strange things will remind you of them.

Love, kindness and grief,
Trisha