Just be you, as beautifully thin-skinned as you always were, because that’s what makes you you. Feel stuff. World needs more thin skin. Eden Riley
I’ll try. The thing is I have no idea who I am, and I have spent most of my life developing a habit of creating an armoury. An armoury shell which does not need to be in place. A shell which has become a cage, a shell that constantly tells me to pull back. But the thing is, I don’t believe that I want to pull back that I want to live in fear.
When I was in my final year of high school our film study was Strictly Ballroom, and it became a bit of a joke to constantly throw around some quotes from the film: “Show me your Paso Doble” was one which had any meaning from actually showing up and being vulnerable or more frequently as an expression used to distract the questioner from the original idea. The other one was “A life lived in fear is a life half lived”. My reality is I live with an anxiety disorder, which makes me generally anxious about fucking everything.
So here I am. Figuring out what this all means, right now I am feeling completely clueless about everything and going that this is okay. If I were to honestly answer you about what my definition of success is, I would say I don’t know. But I do know that at least part of my answer would include showing up and being seen (ala Brene Brown in Daring Greatly).
Right now, being seeing is just slowly opening up. I was privileged enough to be part of a mother’s birthing circle and we had the space to just be our imperfect selves, so right now I am accepting a challenge that was not thrown down so much as flippantly thrown out.
I have no idea where the ride is going to go, but I do know that it is going to be interesting, and it’s not going to be for everyone. And that’s okay. I will be doing my best to just be me…not perfect and polished but the true version of me. The one who is lying on an unmade bed with her baby on the play gym, grumpy because she has a friggen stomach ache again, exhausted from a rough week with a screaming baby last week, but who is still showing up in her life.
Love and being vulnerable,